How To Avoid The Congratulatory Masturbation Session Tonight

I know exactly where your hand is going to be around 2:00am this morning, and I want to help you keep it from going there.

How do I know this? Because if you are now anything like I was back in my 20s, then you’re probably going to participate in a congratulatory masturbation session tonight.

So what is a congratulatory masturbation session? It’s really simple. It begins when you go out at night, you hang out in the corner, and usually you’ve got cement shoes on, and you don’t move anywhere and don’t talk to anyone.

You put your hands deep in your pockets, you hover back and forth, and you stare at that one woman you want to meet.

You know her. She’s hot. She’s beautiful. But yet, you just can’t seem to find the right opener.

Now I know what you did tonight. I know you saw her walking towards the ladies’ room and you made a beeline in her direction. You collided with a bunch of guys like you were playing croon the carrier or you were competing for the NFL. Everybody got knocked down and the winner who was standing up got to actually say something to her.

But you know what, she ducked in the bathroom so fast, and you know what she was saying to her girlfriends?

“You wouldn’t believe these guys all knocked into each other trying to talk to me. What’s wrong with men? Why don’t they just approach?”

Then you go back to your friends—you get the “atta-boy” and the high fives. You get a buddy that taps you on the back and says don’t worry about it, maybe next time.

So she comes out of the bathroom and immediately she has her bitch pack around her—you know those four women protecting her from all the idiots that just knocked into each other two minutes earlier.

So now what happens?

Absolutely nothing. You have another drink. You drive home. You lay in bed.

As you’re lying in bed, you come up with the magic line, “Oh, my God, she was wearing a Penn State sweatshirt. I could have asked her what she thought about the whole Paterno mess a while back. I’m a genius.”

You feel great now. You think to yourself, the next time you see her, you’re going to ask her about the Penn State thing. And then all of a sudden, you get a little pissed, a little angry that you didn’t say it this time.

You want to relieve some pressure. You go, you get the hand lotion and you give yourself a congratulatory masturbation session.


First off, relieving yourself of the sexual tension that’s building in you won’t make it easier to approach her next time.

Second, the only reason that you didn’t deliver your killer line to her while you were both in the club, is because you were in your head.

Third, you probably figured that if you struck out with any of the chicks there, you could still go home and get off. You had a safety valve.


Get out of your head, and don’t use masturbation as a fall-back to keep you from approaching the billions of women out there waiting for you.

Don’t let your mistress Palmela Handerson ruin your potential love life.

And stop it with the congratulatory masturbation session—getting off is fun, but leaving the club with nothing but a ‘killer line’ that you came up with later, is nothing to congratulate yourself about!

Unless you own stock in Johnson & Johnson and have a share in Vaseline Intensive Care, you’re not getting anywhere if you continue doing this.

So burn your bridges, leave your mistress alone, and don’t let approach anxiety keep you from meeting someone special.